Masters of our Destinies

A friend once laughingly told me that she couldn’t sleep when she traveled by airplane because she had to stay awake to help the pilot keep the plane in the air.

She was serious even as she laughed at herself. I totally got it.

Our desire to feel in charge of our life is huge. We want to believe that we are masters of our own destiny. It helps us feel safe. And although we can’t control what happens next, just like my friend cannot keep the plane in the air with her superpower sleeplessness, we are in fact, at the helm of our lives, at least from a certain point of view.

Anyone who has been walloped hard by the unexpected knows firsthand that we do not get to dictate how life goes. 

And anyone who has felt the subsequent grief wash over them as they struggle to integrate the new unwelcome information understands the deep mourning that comes with the acknowledgment that yes, indeed, that hard thing happened without our consent.

Yet, even as it feels intensely uncomfortable, we can rest assured that we are built to adapt, adjust and evolve even when it feels like life has come off the rails.

This is how, in fact, we are masters of our own destinies. We get to decide how to respond to what life brings.

So, here’s a guide to adjusting to the present, in the least painful way. Here are five suggestions. Maybe one will work especially well for you.

1)  Recognize that It’s normal.

When a hard thing happens, our brains, bodies, minds and spirit work hard to assimilate it. During this time, we often feel foggy, slowed down, irritable, anxious and of course, sad.  Trust the process. It feels miserable, but with acceptance, you will move through it.  And be extra kind to yourself during the process.

2) Just say Yes.

To paraphrase Lily Tomlin, “suffering is holding onto the hope for a better past.” I know someone who suffered a devastating loss. She said that the best and hardest advice she was given was, “You must say ‘yes’ to what just happened. Saying ‘no’ will only create useless pain.“ The decision to say yes is to open your arms and lean into the inevitable hard truth. The beauty of choosing to say “yes” is that it shortens the time of wrestling with wishing to change what has already happened AND, best of all, it frees us up to move to, “Ok, now what?”

3)  Embrace the fact that we don’t know everything (or actually anything.)

We don’t even know that this seemingly bad thing is going to stay forever bad. Is it possible that it will bear good fruits? Can you imagine staying open and curious, even after being knocked on your heels? Can you imagine looking for a good thing that has risen from the ashes of the bad thing? Can you remember that the end of the story has not yet been revealed?

4)  Play pretend.

Byron Katie says, “How do I know it was meant to happen? Because it did.” Now, do I know that what happened was “meant” to? No, I absolutely don’t. I am not privy to how the universe works. I don’t even like it when people say, “it was meant to be.” But does it help or hurt me if I act as if life is unfolding as it must? I can tell you from personal experience that it helps, even as I doubt the very concept. It helps lead me to acceptance of what is. It helps me by-step the spiraling drain of “what if,” “if only” “they should have...” and “I should have…” instead of getting sucked into its vortex.

5)  Remember, you’ve got this.

You have made it through every challenge put in your path so far. You are batting 1000. You’ve got this one too.

 

 

My Sacred Self, Your Sacred Self

I recently saw a quote that defined a “codependent” as someone who couldn’t tolerate another person’s discomfort. “Hmmm,” I thought, “that sounds vaguely familiar….”

I don’t really know much about the true definition of the term “codependence,” but I do know a lot about going to great lengths to make sure that everyone around me is comfortable. I spent years in this mode.  I found that I couldn’t really enjoy myself if I thought someone around me was not happy.

I pick up people’s vibes pretty easily. Maybe you do too. There is nothing wrong with that; as a matter of fact, I am glad to be sensitive because it increases my empathy. But somehow I mixed up my sensitivity toward others’ feelings with the idea that, above all else, I was responsible for helping them to feel good.

This desire to make sure others were taken care of meant that I didn’t make decisions based on what I wanted; I made decisions based on what I thought others wanted. Now, mind you, they didn’t actually tell me what they wanted. I didn’t give them the chance. I anticipated or imagined what they wanted. And then from that false place, I made choices that I assumed met their needs.

While the upside was that I often felt virtuously selfless, the downside was huge: I wasn’t true to myself. I didn’t connect with what I truly wanted or needed. You could even go so far as to say that I dishonored and disrespected myself.

And here is the kicker: I dishonored and disrespected the other person too.

Here’s why I say that:

I presumed to know what they wanted and what was best for them.

And, even in a situation where I had “read” them correctly and they were indeed uncomfortable, I assumed that they needed me to take care of their needs. 

And worst of all, I pre-empted their ability to take care of themselves.

As you can imagine this is a sure fire way of getting all tangled up inside. I’m not meeting my own needs and desires and I am not letting them meet their own needs and desires. This is what you call a lose/lose situation.

Once I realized that this pattern was not life giving for anyone involved, I set a course for change. Now, these are the steps I take when I feel myself trying to discern what another wants so I can give it to them:

1.   I notice when I am feeling anxious about the people I am with. (This is a huge first step!)

2.   I take a breath and remember that they are connected to the Universe just like I am. They are in charge of themselves, just as I am in charge of myself.

3.   I intentionally open to my Sacred Self, (that calm, connected and timeless part of us where our deep wisdom resides) and ask myself what I want or need right now. When I ask myself this question from this connected place, it is not the selfish, small ego that answers, but the expansive Sacred Self.

4.   I act, knowing that when I act from my Sacred Self, I am giving others the opportunity to act from their own Sacred Selves.

When I start to doubt my decision because I worry that the other person won’t like my choice, I repeat steps 2 and 3, and then, with confidence, take action.

Living this way makes me feel strong and grounded. I don’t feel tangled up; I feel clear.

And here is what I have discovered: When I act from this clear place, it frees others to do it too because I have modeled that it’s ok to state what you want or need.

I love that! And if you are like me and have spent years feeling tangled up by anticipating others’ needs, I bet you are going to love it too!

Intuition-based Decision Making, Part 2

“Let’s go out to lunch. What do you feel like?”

“I don’t care. Anything is fine with me. You decide.”

Have you had this conversation? Maybe even as you said, “I don’t care,” you felt a little internal tug because you did care, you actually did have an inkling of what you’d like.

Believe it or not, this seemingly insignificant moment can lead to feeling diminished inside. And when we habitually make decisions in this way, we shrink ourselves, sometimes to the extent that we feel insignificant in our own lives. It’s easy to forget that we were born to be powerful in our lives, with an ever-growing sense of our own place in the world.

So why do we do it?

Welcome to Intuition-based Decision Making, Part 2.

First, a quick review from last month’s blog:

We all have a Sacred Self. The Sacred Self is the essential, timeless part of us that is connected, grounded, calm, and open. It takes practice to find her and befriend her. The more often we remember to enter into our Sacred Self, the easier it becomes to reside there.

The Sacred Self is the very best place from which to make decisions, because by definition, these decisions will be life affirming, and congruent with your Deepest Self. Congruence is a beautiful thing!

But, (and here is where this month’s blog begins) let’s face it— we can get pulled away from our Sacred Self when other parts of ourselves are clamoring for our attention. Some of these parts are loud and insistent. Some are bullies. Some have been around for so long that we don’t even notice their power; we let them make decisions without even thinking about it.

Like in the example above, maybe that part that wanted to be seen as nice, or a part that was fearful at making a wrong choice said, “I don’t care.”

 

Who are these other parts, and why do they often drive our decisions? 

They evolved from messages that we received growing up. They originally came to protect us, but they’ve become dysfunctional over the years. Like a mother whose good intention was to keep her child safe but accidentally instilled the message that the world is a scary, dangerous place, these voices mean well but unintentionally hamper us from living our best life. They generally manifest themselves as emotion.

For example, you are going along, minding your own business, when you are faced with a decision. What comes up? Maybe:

Guilt: “I will hurt her feelings if I choose what is best for me. I will not be able to live with myself.”

Anxiety: I can’t stand being in limbo. I’m just going to decide right now and get it over with!

Anger: “Fine! I’ll show her! She is going to feel horrible when I choose this!”

Sadness: “Who cares? I just don’t have the energy for this. It doesn’t really matter what I choose.”

Self-judgment: “What’s the point? I will never make the right choice.” (This voice is often very strong and says things like “You are so stupid! You always make the wrong choice!”)

Fitting in: “People will think I am crazy if I do this!” or, (and we are never too old for this one): “Maybe she won’t like me anymore.”

Getting along: “It will be easier on me and everyone else if I choose this. I’m actually doing myself a favor.”

Not wanting others to think you are selfish but wanting them to think you are nice: “This is who I am. I think of others before I think of myself. I can put my own needs aside.”

Fear: "I am paralyzed! I have no idea what to choose! What if I choose the wrong thing?" Or, “Staying safe is always better than taking a risk!”

Here’s the deal: Regardless of our good intentions, a decision made from emotion is almost always off kilter. The result is often an internal feeling of contraction, getting smaller or feeling trapped. Instead of a sense of calm and clarity, it feels like we are getting all tangled up.

And that trapped feeling creates unintended ripple effects. So, that relationship you were trying to bolster by being nice is actually being undermined. The choice you made to keep things smooth is actually making for a bumpy road ahead. Think back. Give yourself an example of when this happened in your life.

So how do we help ourselves make choices from our Sacred Self?

Here is a step-by-step plan:

1.   Identify the part that has jumped into decision-making mode. “Oh, wait. I started to make this decision because I am afraid.”

2.   Step back. *** “Hmmm, fear is going to steer me wrong here.”

3.   Return to your Sacred Self. Take a breath. Get grounded. Connect up in whatever way is best for you. (See last month’s blog for some ideas on connecting up.)

4.   Wait until you are calm, open, and curious about what your Deepest Self will choose.

5.   Gently ask yourself about the upcoming decision. Try on some options. What feels right when you hold each option in mind?

6.   Relish this feeling of honoring and being in alignment with your Sacred Self.

Know that immediately after, your first thought may be, “Oh, but I couldn’t say/do that!!”

That’s ok. You’ve taken a big step by listening to your Deepest Self. You can choose when to follow through. You can even consciously decide to prioritize an external factor over your internal one. The most important thing is that you are choosing it rather than letting it railroad you.

I can attest to the fact that it takes time and practice to change. Just this week I said yes when I meant no. I knee-jerked. But, I am letting myself off the hook, knowing that I am working on being true to myself.

So, maybe this week, when someone asks where you want to eat, instead of saying, “I don’t care. What do you want?” you will take a minute, check in with yourself and say, “Hmmm, I feel like Italian. How does that sound to you?”                                                                         Congratulations, you just listened to your Sacred Self!

***Sometimes a very strong voice will not be quiet, even when you try to step back from it. It is insistent in its opinion. There is a powerful yet gentle technique that can be used one-on-one to help a strong voice relax and quiet. If you would like to see how it works, I offer a free hour, by phone or in person. No strings.

Intuition-based Decision Making

Do you ever feel like the decisions you make in your daily life are out of synch with who you truly are? You say yes when your insides are telling you no. Or you talk yourself out of what feels right because of some external pressure. Then you feel out of sorts, maybe resentful, or fed up, or frustrated or fatigued—kind of like you are on an endless road that has a stoplight at every intersection, and each light turns red right before you get there.

This month I gave a workshop in my hometown about exactly this. I called it “Intuition-based Decision Making,” but I could have called it, “Who is Driving your Decision-Making Bus?”

Let’s say I am on a road trip with a cast of characters I know only too well. Each of them has their reasons for wanting to drive my decision making bus. But there is only one that I, without a doubt, want to be driving my bus. She is who I call my Sacred Self. My Sacred Self has easy access to my intuition or my Wise Inner Voice.

From my perspective, absolutely everyone has a Sacred Self. It’s part of our birthright as humans. It’s that essential and timeless part of you, the part of you that is deeper than any of your roles, titles or labels. She is your Best and Highest Self. If you have a spiritual framework, she is that part of you who is permanently connected to Source.

When you are residing in your Sacred Self, you have the feeling of being in the flow, in synch, a feeling of stepping out of time. Your temporary worries of the future or your nagging concerns of the past slip away. You feel connected, calm, confident, and compassionate toward yourself. You are centered and grounded. You have a sense of “Ahhh—I am home.”

When your Sacred Self makes decisions, the decisions, by definition, are life affirming, have clarity and are in integrity with who you are. You are content to stand by your decision, even when unpopular, because you know that your decision came from your Best Self.

See why I like her to be driving my decision-making bus?

Some of you are saying, “Well, yes, who doesn’t want more of that in her life? But how do I find her? And by the way, are you sure everyone has one because I seem to have misplaced mine?”

First of all, I am 100% confident that you are equipped with a Sacred Self.  And second of all, it only takes practice to find her. The more often you make time in your day to cultivate your Sacred Self, the better you feel because you are inviting the energy of your Highest Self to flow through you.

There are a variety of ways to find her, each unique to you. Ask yourself, what makes you feel in the flow? When do you feel expansive? Is it when you are in nature? When you are practicing yoga? Cuddling with a beloved pet? Gardening? Creating something beautiful through knitting, baking, cooking, art, writing?

Another way that is available regardless of your location is to tap into your imagination. You can quiet yourself with intentional breathing and then create a calm and restful place to visit in your imagination. If you want to give it a try, click below for a short (3 1/2 minute) audio meditation.

Once you are residing in your Sacred Self, you can literally feel what is best. When you have a decision before you, try on possible options. You will find that one potential choice makes you feel contracted and diminished, while another makes you feel expansive and affirmed.

Keep deciding in favor of affirmed and expansive and watch your life change. You will find that your daily life will line up with who you are inside. Now, that’s what I call living the good life. :)

Watch for my next post: What happens when my Sacred Self makes a decision, only to be kicked out of the driver’s seat by one of the rabble rousers in the back of the bus? For example, what happens when the “I-can’t-choose-that-because-that-would-be-selfish” part of me takes the wheel?

It's a sign!

What do you think when someone explains a coincidence or an unusual occurrence by saying, “I took it as a sign?”

I’ve got to confess that I’ve become one of those people. I like the idea of the Universe smiling upon me, bestowing signs.

At the same time, I hold open the possibility that I am making it all up.

Here is what I mean:

I can’t remember how it started, but when I see a feather in my path, I take it as a little gift from Spirit. (And I am in good company—apparently many cultures attributed feathers to the Spirit world—Native Americans and Druids among them.)

Sometimes, the appearance of a feather seems absolutely providential.

Like the time I was sitting on the patio of a restaurant having lunch with a friend.  She asked me how my work was going. I said I loved it. “I feel like I am exactly the right path.”

And at that moment, a little tiny white feather floated down from the clear blue sky and landed in my open palm. Seriously.

How cool is that?!?

My friend, who knows these things, thought that it was a hummingbird feather. Somehow, that made me love the moment even more.

So here is the thing: Do I know for sure that Universe floated that feather into my hand as a way to say, “We are with you! We think that you are totally on the right path too!”

Of course not.

Do I know for sure that it was just a weird random occurrence?

Nope, I don’t know that either.

So then I ask myself, which scenario helps me live a joyful, expansive, connected life?

That’s easy—the one where I feel like I am somehow a part of a larger Whole. The one where I get a little floaty present from the Universe.

So why not hold open the possibility?

If you want to try it, here is what I suggest:

1.   Open to the possibility that Spirit gives signs.

2.   Watch for something that feels like a gift from the Universe.  Is it a red leaf that floats to your feet? A hawk that circles above you? A song on the radio that seems just right for you at that moment?

3.   When you see it, decide to take it as a gift, a reminder that you are connected to the Greater Whole.

4.   Let that feeling of connection make you happy. Smile. You just got a sign!

The Wonder of Small Moments

Mary Oliver (poet):

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms… 
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.”

Me:

Did I really just spend an hour looking at Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube?!

Do you ever crave that bust-out “I am alive!!” feeling that Mary Oliver’s poem evokes? That one where all your senses are buzzing and your heart is full-to-bursting and you are just so glad to be on this planet at this moment?

But even as you long for it, you don’t know how to get it and you catch yourself whiling away time even though you know that it is finite and precious?

Me too.

But I have made a discovery that has shifted everything for me.  I’d like to share it with you, and Jimmy Fallon and Mary Oliver are going to help me do it.

I used to think that in order to qualify as Mary Oliver’s Bride or Bridegroom I needed to have “Pacific Ocean at Sunset on the Summer Solstice” kind of moments—those peak experiences that are rare and hard to come by.

Enter Jimmy Fallon. He helped me redefine the Bride/Bridegroom moment.

Here’s how:

I noticed that I can watch Jimmy Fallon in one of two ways. See if you feel the energetic difference between the two.

The first way, I am kind of bored, feeling a little dissatisfied. I get on YouTube and click around. I figure I might as well see what Jimmy’s up to. Sure, I enjoy his latest clip but I also feel a tiny bit bad, even guilty that I am wasting time online. I wonder why I am doing it, even as I continue to do it.  In this scenario, instead of feeling like the sparkling bride, I feel more like a stand-in bridesmaid awkwardly wearing an uncomfortable dress in an unfortunate color.

The second way, I deliberately go looking for Jimmy’s latest sketch because chances are, he is going to make me laugh, and I love to laugh. When I am watching, I am all in. I am heartily and heartfully enjoying it. 

Yep, Jimmy and I are having a moment.

When I realized that a Mary Oliver moment could involve a late night talk show host, my definition expanded enormously. I understood that it could be a small thing that fueled my sense of connection to Life, and much of my experience of the moment depended on how I approached it. This change in perception made me available for small things to sweep me off my feet, which, of course, they promptly did.

Now I have multiple Mary Oliver moments daily.

For example, just this week, I got that heart-full-to-bursting feeling when I noticed the beautiful faces of the women, many in their 50’s and 60’s, sitting quietly in meditation in yoga class, (yes, I peeked.)  Later, I was flooded with gratitude while talking to my best friend on the phone even when we weren’t talking about anything special. (All I could think was, “I am so happy you are in my life!) And a few minutes ago, I felt my heart open watching the breeze play in the trees outside my window.

Thank you Mary and Jimmy for helping me embrace small wonders!

Just watch! The next time you recognize a beautiful, small moment, you are going to take it in your arms like a dazzled bridegroom. You are going to love being married to Amazement!

 

 

Bringing Stealth Assumptions to Light

"I know the best is yet to come!" Christiane Northrup, MD, age 65, women's health guru

"Really?! She seriously believes that??" Me, age 58, upon hearing her comment

Let me tell you, I was pretty shocked at myself. After all, I work with women over 50, helping them tap into their spiritual center-- the timeless, ageless, divine part of themselves-- and then live their lives from there. The rewards are tremendous: self-acceptance and self-kindness, curiosity and openness to the future, and a new claim of power and purpose.  I love my life at 58 and imagine a rich and full life ahead of me!

So, really, why did Dr. Northrup’s statement trip me up?

I often share with clients that long-held assumptions seem true because we have believed them for so long. We accept them as fact. We don’t even know that they are there and the effect they have on the decisions we make in our lives.

When we identify and question these assumptions, we can let go of beliefs that

a) aren’t necessarily true, and b) no longer serve us.

So I asked myself, “What are some of my assumptions about my 60’s, 70’s and beyond?”

Here are three:

Assumption #1: Nothing can top being a hands-on mom and that part of my life is done. Hmmm, It’s true that the hands-on mom part of my life is done. But do I really know for sure that that is the best part of my life? No, I don’t. For example, I know grandmothers who say that grandmotherhood tops parenthood…

Assumption #2: My creaky knees will get creakier and will not let me do what I love. I love walking and hiking in nature; it is a big part of my spiritual practice because it centers me and fills me with gratitude.

Do I know for sure that my knees will stop me from doing what I love? Well, no. My knees have been creaky for a long time and they actually aren’t any worse than they were 10 years ago and creakiness hasn’t stopped me so far…

Assumption #3: Old age equals small life. I see my parents at 85 and 86 and worry that my life will become narrow like theirs.

Do I know this for sure? Well, first of all, I don’t even think they would necessarily consider their lives narrow. They seem pretty content. Second of all, I have absolutely no idea what my life will look like at 85.

So, back to Dr. Northrup’s statement, “I know the best is yet to come.”

Do I know for sure the best is yet to come? No.

Do I know for sure that the best is behind me? Absolutely not.

So why not live as though the best may very well be ahead of me? This thought adds lightness to my day. It increases my optimism. It lifts my energy. And in this frame of mind, I will look for ways to make it come true.

Here is my wish for you:  May the best be yet to come in your life too. 

Blue Sky, Green Hills and Plastic Bags

“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.”

Jose Ortega y Gasset, Spanish Philosopher

My aging folks live in San Diego; I live on the outskirts of LA. I visit weekly now. Without traffic, it is a 2-hour freeway ride.  I must confess that the stereotype of the So Cal driver obsessing about which freeway to choose is based in truth.  I generally choose “the 15” (yes, for some reason we put the article “the” before our freeway names…) It is an inland freeway, cut through rolling hills.

One Sunday afternoon, we were making our way home. My sweetheart was driving and I was taking in the scenery.

The terrain of So Cal may be an acquired taste, but I find beauty here. Virtually treeless, often boulder strewn, the hills are fuzzy brown in the summer and, when we’ve had rain over a few successive days, soft emerald in the winter.

It was a cloudless winter day. The green hills shown below the bright blue sky. My heart opened as I took in the beauty. I felt the kind of reverence reserved for the glories of nature.

Then my eye traveled to the base of the hill, level with the freeway. White plastic bags caught in the scrubby grass along with other trash people had thoughtlessly dumped from their cars. My mood shifted and my heart shut. “Oh geez, how ugly is this? And who throws trash out their windows in this day and age?!?”

My eyes lifted: beauty. My eyes lowered: disgust.

Hmmm, interesting.

I’d been reading about a simple principle of brain function. Essentially, what we attend to grows. What we choose to notice looms large in our minds. This “noticing” produces thoughts. Those thoughts produce feelings. Those thoughts and feelings literally influence the kind of life we lead.

Well, here is a choice, I thought. I can notice the green hills against the blue sky, or I can notice the trash next to the road. I can feel expansive, or I can feel contracted.

The only reason to focus on the trash by the road is to work on a solution to stop it. Realistically, I am not going to do that today.

So I’d rather focus on the green hills. I’d rather revel in natural beauty. I’d rather have my heart open. I’d rather feel grateful to the universe. So that is just what I did. And it was completely my choice.

Let me ask you: What do you choose to attend to today?

Smiling in the Mirror

Here’s the thing:

I didn’t like my face anymore.

Every time I looked in the mirror I grimaced at my refection. I scrutinized the sun lines in my cheeks and the deep smile lines around my eyes. I was merciless in my assessment and disappointed with myself each and every time. Why wasn’t my younger self looking back at me? Where was she and how could I get her back? Part of me knew the impossibility of this desire. Part of me felt vain and ridiculous for wishing it. And that just made me feel worse. 

When I was younger, I never thought I would be this woman. I took my face for granted, prided myself in being casual about my looks, not spending much time readying my face for the day. And yet, here I was, standing in line for the next miracle skin cream, all in hopes of coaxing the younger me back to the the mirror. 

And then one day, out of the blue, I had a genuine “aha” moment. I looked in the mirror and decided to smile at myself. Instead of scanning for deepening wrinkles, I looked into my own eyes. And there we all were: my younger self, my current self, and my beautiful inner timeless self. You know how it feels to share a loving smile with a cherished friend? Where your eyes kind of dance with happiness? That’s what happened. And that’s just how it felt: being held in a loving exchange.Now I practice that smile-in-the-mirror exercise most days. I whole-heartedly recommend it. 

 

The How To:

Hold your own gaze in the mirror. You may be tempted to scan around your eyes, forehead, cheeks for imperfections, but gently return to capturing your own gaze.  Breathe, relax and smile. Notice the liveliness, the beauty, and the love shining in those eyes. You radiant, gorgeous, smiling-right-back-at-you you! Congratulations! You just made your own day!