I recently saw a quote that defined a “codependent” as someone who couldn’t tolerate another person’s discomfort. “Hmmm,” I thought, “that sounds vaguely familiar….”

I don’t really know much about the true definition of the term “codependence,” but I do know a lot about going to great lengths to make sure that everyone around me is comfortable. I spent years in this mode. I found that I couldn’t really enjoy myself if I thought someone around me was not happy.

I pick up people’s vibes pretty easily. Maybe you do too. There is nothing wrong with that; as a matter of fact, I am glad to be sensitive because it increases my empathy. But somehow I mixed up my sensitivity toward others’ feelings with the idea that, above all else, I was responsible for helping them to feel good.

This desire to make sure others were taken care of meant that I didn’t make decisions based on what I wanted; I made decisions based on what I thought others wanted. Now, mind you, they didn’t actually tell me what they wanted. I didn’t give them the chance. I anticipated or imagined what they wanted. And then from that false place, I made choices that I assumed met their needs.

While the upside was that I often felt virtuously selfless, the downside was huge: I wasn’t true to myself. I didn’t connect with what I truly wanted or needed. You could even go so far as to say that I dishonored and disrespected myself.

And here is the kicker: I dishonored and disrespected the other person too.

Here’s why I say that:

I presumed to know what they wanted and what was best for them.

And, even in a situation where I had “read” them correctly and they were indeed uncomfortable, I assumed that they needed me to take care of their needs.

And worst of all, I pre-empted their ability to take care of themselves.

As you can imagine this is a sure fire way of getting all tangled up inside. I’m not meeting my own needs and desires and I am not letting them meet their own needs and desires. This is what you call a lose/lose situation.

Once I realized that this pattern was not life giving for anyone involved, I set a course for change. Now, these are the steps I take when I feel myself trying to discern what another wants so I can give it to them:

1. I notice when I am feeling anxious about the people I am with. (This is a huge first step!)

2. I take a breath and remember that they are connected to the Universe just like I am. They are in charge of themselves, just as I am in charge of myself.

3. I intentionally open to my Sacred Self, (that calm, connected and timeless part of us where our deep wisdom resides) and ask myself what I want or need right now. When I ask myself this question from this connected place, it is not the selfish, small ego that answers, but the expansive Sacred Self.

4. I act, knowing that when I act from my Sacred Self, I am giving others the opportunity to act from their own Sacred Selves.

When I start to doubt my decision because I worry that the other person won’t like my choice, I repeat steps 2 and 3, and then, with confidence, take action.

Living this way makes me feel strong and grounded. I don’t feel tangled up; I feel clear.

And here is what I have discovered: When I act from this clear place, it frees others to do it too because I have modeled that it’s ok to state what you want or need.

I love that! And if you are like me and have spent years feeling tangled up by anticipating others’ needs, I bet you are going to love it too!

“Let’s go out to lunch. What do you feel like?”

“I don’t care. Anything is fine with me. You decide.”

Have you had this conversation? Maybe even as you said, “I don’t care,” you felt a little internal tug because you did care, you actually did have an inkling of what you’d like.

Believe it or not, this seemingly insignificant moment can lead to feeling diminished inside. And when we habitually make decisions in this way, we shrink ourselves, sometimes to the extent that we feel insignificant in our own lives. It’s easy to forget that we were born to be powerful in our lives, with an ever-growing sense of our own place in the world.

So why do we do it?

Welcome to Intuition-based Decision Making, Part 2.

First, a quick review from last month’s blog:

We all have a Sacred Self. The Sacred Self is the essential, timeless part of us that is connected, grounded, calm, and open. It takes practice to find her and befriend her. The more often we remember to enter into our Sacred Self, the easier it becomes to reside there.

The Sacred Self is the very best place from which to make decisions, because by definition, these decisions will be life affirming, and congruent with your Deepest Self. Congruence is a beautiful thing!

But, (and here is where this month’s blog begins) let’s face it— we can get pulled away from our Sacred Self when other parts of ourselves are clamoring for our attention. Some of these parts are loud and insistent. Some are bullies. Some have been around for so long that we don’t even notice their power; we let them make decisions without even thinking about it.

Like in the example above, maybe that part that wanted to be seen as nice, or a part that was fearful at making a wrong choice said, “I don’t care.”

Who are these other parts, and why do they often drive our decisions?

They evolved from messages that we received growing up. They originally came to protect us, but they’ve become dysfunctional over the years. Like a mother whose good intention was to keep her child safe but accidentally instilled the message that the world is a scary, dangerous place, these voices mean well but unintentionally hamper us from living our best life. They generally manifest themselves as emotion.

For example, you are going along, minding your own business, when you are faced with a decision. What comes up? Maybe:

Guilt: “I will hurt her feelings if I choose what is best for me. I will not be able to live with myself.”

Anxiety: I can’t stand being in limbo. I’m just going to decide right now and get it over with!

Anger: “Fine! I’ll show her! She is going to feel horrible when I choose this!”

Sadness: “Who cares? I just don’t have the energy for this. It doesn’t really matter what I choose.”

Self-judgment: “What’s the point? I will never make the right choice.” (This voice is often very strong and says things like “You are so stupid! You always make the wrong choice!”)

Fitting in: “People will think I am crazy if I do this!” or, (and we are never too old for this one): “Maybe she won’t like me anymore.”

Getting along: “It will be easier on me and everyone else if I choose this. I’m actually doing myself a favor.”

Not wanting others to think you are selfish but wanting them to think you are nice: “This is who I am. I think of others before I think of myself. I can put my own needs aside.”

Fear: "I am paralyzed! I have no idea what to choose! What if I choose the wrong thing?" Or, “Staying safe is always better than taking a risk!”

Here’s the deal: Regardless of our good intentions, a decision made from emotion is almost always off kilter. The result is often an internal feeling of contraction, getting smaller or feeling trapped. Instead of a sense of calm and clarity, it feels like we are getting all tangled up.

And that trapped feeling creates unintended ripple effects. So, that relationship you were trying to bolster by being nice is actually being undermined. The choice you made to keep things smooth is actually making for a bumpy road ahead. Think back. Give yourself an example of when this happened in your life.

So how do we help ourselves make choices from our Sacred Self?

Here is a step-by-step plan:

1. Identify the part that has jumped into decision-making mode. “Oh, wait. I started to make this decision because I am afraid.”

2. Step back. *** “Hmmm, fear is going to steer me wrong here.”

3. Return to your Sacred Self. Take a breath. Get grounded. Connect up in whatever way is best for you. (See last month’s blog for some ideas on connecting up.)

4. Wait until you are calm, open, and curious about what your Deepest Self will choose.

5. Gently ask yourself about the upcoming decision. Try on some options. What feels right when you hold each option in mind?

6. Relish this feeling of honoring and being in alignment with your Sacred Self.

Know that immediately after, your first thought may be, “Oh, but I couldn’t say/do that!!”

That’s ok. You’ve taken a big step by listening to your Deepest Self. You can choose when to follow through. You can even consciously decide to prioritize an external factor over your internal one. The most important thing is that you are choosing it rather than letting it railroad you.

I can attest to the fact that it takes time and practice to change. Just this week I said yes when I meant no. I knee-jerked. But, I am letting myself off the hook, knowing that I am working on being true to myself.

So, maybe this week, when someone asks where you want to eat, instead of saying, “I don’t care. What do you want?” you will take a minute, check in with yourself and say, “Hmmm, I feel like Italian. How does that sound to you?” Congratulations, you just listened to your Sacred Self!

***Sometimes a very strong voice will not be quiet, even when you try to step back from it. It is insistent in its opinion. There is a powerful yet gentle technique that can be used one-on-one to help a strong voice relax and quiet. If you would like to see how it works, I offer a free hour, by phone or in person. No strings.