A friend once laughingly told me that she couldn’t sleep when she traveled by airplane because she had to stay awake to help the pilot keep the plane in the air.
She was serious even as she laughed at herself. I totally got it.
Our desire to feel in charge of our life is huge. We want to believe that we are masters of our own destiny. It helps us feel safe. And although we can’t control what happens next, just like my friend cannot keep the plane in the air with her superpower sleeplessness, we are in fact, at the helm of our lives, at least from a certain point of view.
Anyone who has been walloped hard by the unexpected knows firsthand that we do not get to dictate how life goes.
And anyone who has felt the subsequent grief wash over them as they struggle to integrate the new unwelcome information understands the deep mourning that comes with the acknowledgment that yes, indeed, that hard thing happened without our consent.
Yet, even as it feels intensely uncomfortable, we can rest assured that we are built to adapt, adjust and evolve even when it feels like life has come off the rails.
This is how, in fact, we are masters of our own destinies. We get to decide how to respond to what life brings.
So, here’s a guide to adjusting to the present, in the least painful way. Here are five suggestions. Maybe one will work especially well for you.
1) Recognize that It’s normal.
When a hard thing happens, our brains, bodies, minds and spirit work hard to assimilate it. During this time, we often feel foggy, slowed down, irritable, anxious and of course, sad. Trust the process. It feels miserable, but with acceptance, you will move through it. And be extra kind to yourself during the process.
2) Just say Yes.
To paraphrase Lily Tomlin, “suffering is holding onto the hope for a better past.” I know someone who suffered a devastating loss. She said that the best and hardest advice she was given was, “You must say ‘yes’ to what just happened. Saying ‘no’ will only create useless pain.“ The decision to say yes is to open your arms and lean into the inevitable hard truth. The beauty of choosing to say “yes” is that it shortens the time of wrestling with wishing to change what has already happened AND, best of all, it frees us up to move to, “Ok, now what?”
3) Embrace the fact that we don’t know everything (or actually anything.)
We don’t even know that this seemingly bad thing is going to stay forever bad. Is it possible that it will bear good fruits? Can you imagine staying open and curious, even after being knocked on your heels? Can you imagine looking for a good thing that has risen from the ashes of the bad thing? Can you remember that the end of the story has not yet been revealed?
4) Play pretend.
Byron Katie says, “How do I know it was meant to happen? Because it did.” Now, do I know that what happened was “meant” to? No, I absolutely don’t. I am not privy to how the universe works. I don’t even like it when people say, “it was meant to be.” But does it help or hurt me if I act as if life is unfolding as it must? I can tell you from personal experience that it helps, even as I doubt the very concept. It helps lead me to acceptance of what is. It helps me by-step the spiraling drain of “what if,” “if only” “they should have...” and “I should have…” instead of getting sucked into its vortex.
5) Remember, you’ve got this.
You have made it through every challenge put in your path so far. You are batting 1000. You’ve got this one too.