I recently saw a quote that defined a “codependent” as someone who couldn’t tolerate another person’s discomfort. “Hmmm,” I thought, “that sounds vaguely familiar….”
I don’t really know much about the true definition of the term “codependence,” but I do know a lot about going to great lengths to make sure that everyone around me is comfortable. I spent years in this mode. I found that I couldn’t really enjoy myself if I thought someone around me was not happy.
I pick up people’s vibes pretty easily. Maybe you do too. There is nothing wrong with that; as a matter of fact, I am glad to be sensitive because it increases my empathy. But somehow I mixed up my sensitivity toward others’ feelings with the idea that, above all else, I was responsible for helping them to feel good.
This desire to make sure others were taken care of meant that I didn’t make decisions based on what I wanted; I made decisions based on what I thought others wanted. Now, mind you, they didn’t actually tell me what they wanted. I didn’t give them the chance. I anticipated or imagined what they wanted. And then from that false place, I made choices that I assumed met their needs.
While the upside was that I often felt virtuously selfless, the downside was huge: I wasn’t true to myself. I didn’t connect with what I truly wanted or needed. You could even go so far as to say that I dishonored and disrespected myself.
And here is the kicker: I dishonored and disrespected the other person too.
Here’s why I say that:
I presumed to know what they wanted and what was best for them.
And, even in a situation where I had “read” them correctly and they were indeed uncomfortable, I assumed that they needed me to take care of their needs.
And worst of all, I pre-empted their ability to take care of themselves.
As you can imagine this is a sure fire way of getting all tangled up inside. I’m not meeting my own needs and desires and I am not letting them meet their own needs and desires. This is what you call a lose/lose situation.
Once I realized that this pattern was not life giving for anyone involved, I set a course for change. Now, these are the steps I take when I feel myself trying to discern what another wants so I can give it to them:
1. I notice when I am feeling anxious about the people I am with. (This is a huge first step!)
2. I take a breath and remember that they are connected to the Universe just like I am. They are in charge of themselves, just as I am in charge of myself.
3. I intentionally open to my Sacred Self, (that calm, connected and timeless part of us where our deep wisdom resides) and ask myself what I want or need right now. When I ask myself this question from this connected place, it is not the selfish, small ego that answers, but the expansive Sacred Self.
4. I act, knowing that when I act from my Sacred Self, I am giving others the opportunity to act from their own Sacred Selves.
When I start to doubt my decision because I worry that the other person won’t like my choice, I repeat steps 2 and 3, and then, with confidence, take action.
Living this way makes me feel strong and grounded. I don’t feel tangled up; I feel clear.
And here is what I have discovered: When I act from this clear place, it frees others to do it too because I have modeled that it’s ok to state what you want or need.
I love that! And if you are like me and have spent years feeling tangled up by anticipating others’ needs, I bet you are going to love it too!